Sorry I've been inactive. I was depressed & blind.
Long story long, I injured my eye back in June and I'm only now starting to recover some of my vision. It's basically been a waiting game and hoping for the best. My vision still isn't great, but I can see somethings sometimes on good days There are good and bad days. I had a serious infection in the right eye and my left eye has had a failed cornea transplant for a couple years now, which left me completely blind.
I've always considered myself mentally resilient and I've never really dealt with depression but I guess that's what I was going through in the early weeks, because of that I wasn't able to recognize it until now. I'm much better now that I see a light at the end of the tunnel (literally & figuratively) but that was interesting and scary to experience. It was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. No, I didn't get help for being depressed, I considered it for a second but I guess I didn't think I was depressed.
During those early weeks when I was going through that depression, I think it came down to 2 things. One, I was mourning the loss of my vision. I didn't know if I was ever going to be able to see again so I expected the worse but was hoping for the best. I would just lay in bed and cry for weeks, which isn't like me at all. And two, I was going through social media withdrawls. And I mean that in a very real way. We all know social media is addicting and I wasn't able to get that daily dopamine hit. My notifications would go off and I'd instinctively reach for my phone and then immediately feel sad I couldn't see my phone. Do you realize how fucked up that is?
I already feel too vulnerable putting this up and this is already long. If you want to read more I've posted more of my experiences on my websites blog at twistedcuts.com
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Continued from Instagram...
Social media has got me fucked up. Willpower can only take a person so far. I wanted to use my limited vision for things that were meaningful and social medias daily nonsense didn't fit into that for me. But I'm only human, I'm susceptible to it and not that I have some vision and I need things to do to fill my days I'm back to square one.
I obviously can't work while recovering from vision loss and I didn't have an emergency fund. Bills had to get paid with credit cards and I'm grateful to have had my family to catch me when I needed it. Not being able to work was another blow. I've been on medical leave from my day job since June & I surely can't be handling a scissors without vision. Twisted Cuts got put on a standstill and I'm currently trying to figure out how I can do this with whay vision I have.
I've said it for years now but the healthcare system is so broken. I find myself trying to decide if I can afford certain options that would improve my vision. Since vision is so important I shouldn't even have to second guess things that will save my vision. Keep in mind I have health insurance, but the cost and the copay can get so high sometimes, it's insane. I'm sure one of the reasons I didn't even think twice about seeing a therapist for depression was because I was concerned about the bill. I hate having to think about my health that way.
My saving grace was the Harry Potter audiobooks. It's no secret I love Harry Potter and I've never read them back to back. I've only read them as they were released. Being able to listen to all seven Harry Potter books was amazing. It took a lot of self control to not zoom through the whole series. I had a lot of long days to fill so I had to spread it out. I can't even begin to express how much those books helped me through the hardest days.
I've learned many things from this experience. I don't know how I would have done this without the support of my family, especially my sister, Ashley. She helped me with my medication, fed me, guided me around when I couldn't walk, spent days with me keeping me company when I didn't want to be alone. It was really hard losing the ability to do simple things like walking and eating. Support from family comes in so many different ways and I'm so grateful for it. Emergency funds are crucial. Healthcare is a mess and Harry Potter will always be my absolute favorite story forever. The days are looking clearer (pun intended) but if this is as good as it gets I'll honestly be happy. I'll learn to navigate life in a new way & figure it out, like I always do.
PS - don't judge my writing, its not one of my strong suits, I'm mostly just rambling on.
- Nickie